It’s God’s design that parents disciple their kids, (Deuteronomy 6:7). Unfortunately, many models of youth ministry either take over the role of parents, or do not intentionally partner with parents to support them. Given that parents spend so much more time with their kids than I do, I must invest in parents knowing that I am utimately helping my students more effectively.

Here’s aspects I am working on to create a Family Focused Student Ministry that partners with parents and does not replace them:

1) Remind Parents Of My Job (And Theirs): I am constantly telling parents, “I am here to partner with you and not replace you… I am here to support and reinforce what you are already teaching your kids at home.” It’s my supportive way to let parents know I am in this to support them, but also to remind them of their role too. I find this phrase does not threaten parents who are not keeping their role, it usually spurs them on to take a more active role in discipling their kids.

2) Communication: Given busy schedules, I over communicate as much as possible. We text (Simply Youth Ministry), email (Mailchimp), facebook, use the church bulletin, (a few parents read that), a monthly parent newsletter (through ParentLink), flyers, and constant conversations. Because parents have so many messages, emails and information coming their way, it’s pertinent that I over communicate. When I do this it gives parents confidence in my ministry and helps them plan well…

3) Schedule in Way In Advance: Not every parent looks way ahead in their schedule, but the ones who do really appreciate it when I give them good notice. Events like mission trips or weekend retreats or summer events seem to be most important. In addition, when I plan far ahead, parents will often bend and flex to make the church event work in their schedule. When I schedule late, too bad! Being family focused means I must consider their schedules first…

4) Recruits Great Parent Leaders To Minister To Parents: I am a father of 2 kids under 5, but I do not know what it feels like to be a parent of a teen. Even though I can talk to parents as the “expert” on their teenager, there is still a big piece of the puzzle missing. I have been very intentional about recruiting great “been there, seen it” parents who can come alongside the parents of teenagers in my ministry.

5) Promote Parenting Resources: I am constantly posting books and resources on facebook for my parents to read. I am aware that many parents follow me on facebook and I use this to give them ideas about books and websites that will be helpful to them. My favorite sites to point parents to are: homeword.com and cpyu.org. Currently the two books I am promoting to parents are two books by Dr. Jim Burns from Homeword: Teenology and Faith Conversations for Families

6) Quarterly Parent Meetings: We meet after church while everyone is on campus, we keep the meetings short, and we make them worthwhile by focusing on issues that parents are yearning to know.

7) Meet with Them: This might seem obvious, but I know it can be scary for some youth workers to meet with parents. A lot of the time I find they just want to get to know me and want to be heard. Just like teens, parents don’t care what you know until they know that you care…

8.) Praise them: Parenting teens can be a huge rollercoaster for our parents with more “downs” than “ups” at times. It’s important to see myself as a cheerleader to the parents. Building them up gives them confidence and valuable support. Don’t underestimate just how much it means to them when the “expert” on teens tells them what a great job they are doing!

Well, there is a lot more to say, but these are the main pieces I am working on. How about you?

Tomorrow: Family Focused Student Ministry – Part 5: Students

Phil <><

I could start by telling you what I do to promote a healthy family focus for my leaders, but I will let some of them start by telling you instead:

Phil understands when we need to miss ministry to meet any family issues there is NO GUILT. He shows genuine concern about our families by remembering and asking how they are doing. He seeks to have a social relationship with our spouses who are not involved with youth ministry… Maryann

Phil reaches out and calls me to check up on how I am doing and not just me but my family as well.  It has been a true blessing and he has been a faithful friend to us since TJ’s passing… Trent (lost his 16 yr old son last September in a car accident)

I love serving in our youth ministry, and I have been for many years now.  But I have 2 kids of my own, and sometimes I need to miss.  When I communicate with Phil about having to miss the midweek youth night, he always says ‘no problem, family always comes first’.  Wow!  I don’t feel guilty about missing.  I want to make sure there are enough workers present, but he doesn’t let me go there.  It is so encouraging for me to know that I am not being judged about missing a night every once in a while so that I can be present at my own kids events. Charissa

Being a new father and helping out with the Youth, Phil is constantly reminding me that family comes first. There has been a few time this year when things have come up either with our son or other family members when I was unable to make Fusion and Phil has always stressed the point that Family comes first… Josh

I feel like Phil states the needs of the ministry and then allows us to decide which needs we can fill based on our family’s schedule. Also, we have enough leaders to be a little flexible and  ”float” people around if someone cannot attend an event due to family commitments… Beth

You are considerate of family time at the holidays and schedule accordingly. Even if that means canceling Sunday School or Fusion for a week.  I value that time with my family and don’t feel guilty then for taking the time off… Lee

You are always encouraging us leaders to step up an help each other out.  Whether it’s helping out with games and icebreakers or giving a message in your place.  It keeps us from getting overwhelmed or spending too much time at home preparing… Jason

As I wrap up this post, here a few quick things I do to help my leaders stay family focused. (This is NOT THE WAY, just simply A WAY that is working for me and my leaders).

1) Schedule Way In Advance: Allow them lots of time so they can plan for their families.

2) Make Meetings Count: We meet every two months and the feedback I get is that the meetings are productive and helpful. In meetings we a) Pray and celebrate what God has been doing, b) share challenges and provide solutions c) provide specific training d) look ahead at the teaching and events schedule. e) Pray

3) Over Communicate the Schedule: Volunteers can be busy people, so don’t expect them to get the schedule straight away… Over communication is better than too little I find…

4) Pray For Them And Ask About Their Families: The more I pray for my leaders, the more I have God’s heart for them. I also find there is distinct correlation to how leaders invest in students based on how I invest in my leaders lives…

5) Give Grace To Miss: Yes, there have been times when we are short of leaders, but I have found that my leaders are more committed and more focused when I am concerned about them. If there is a family event or one of their kids has sports etc, I must care more about their family commitment than filling the spaces. God always seems to provide when I pursue health for my leaders…

6) No Parenting At Our Programs And Events: If I have a parent leader, I have a rule that they cannot parent while at the program / event. It has to be a healthy win for both parent and student while they are both there.

Well, there are few ways I consider my leaders and their families. Again, it’s not THE WAY, it is just A WAY.

Next up: Family Focused Student Ministry – Part 4 – For Parents.

Phil <><

IT STARTS WITH ME (OR YOU): In 1 Timothy 3 Paul gives Timothy the charge of calling overseers and deacons. He insists, “if anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church”? In the same way, as a church leader, I have to realize that healthy family ministry starts with me and how I model health for students and their families. It’s crucial that I understand how my ministry will reflect my own life and family…

THE BOTTOM LINE: Disagree with me or not, I firmly believe that a healthy family focus go hand in hand with a successful ministry. I believe that God honors my efforts when I ensure that I am healthy for myself and my family. If you are like me, I want my family to be healthy and my ministry too. It’s not easy, and it takes God’s strength and wisdom, but it can be done…

HERE’S WHAT I DO: Here’s a quick bullet goals, boundaries and guidelines to stay family focused for myself:

• Pray: Obvious, but not always practiced. If you are like me, it is so easy to allow life and busyness to create unhealthy family patterns. Prayer for my family has been something that I have had to become intentional about.
• Work Hard – Play Hard (At the Right Times): A huge help to being family friendly is making sure that when I am on ministry time I work hard and work effectively. While I am in the trenches I want to use my time wisely and not get side-tracked. Once my ministry time is done, I make a point of “playing hard” with my family.
• Family Schedule: Schedule my family calendar first before I add events/meetings/additional programs. We include a family nights (every two weeks), date nights every (two weeks), and get together with friends.
• Read Books About Healthy Family Life. It’s easy to always read ministry books, I try to add in some books that help me and my family grow.
• Dinner: First, eat dinner as many nights as we can. Even if I have a program on an evening I try my best to work my schedule around dinner times, (even it is a quick “pit-stop” dinner).
• No Phone at Dinner: When we eat dinner these days, I try to remember to turn my phone off until we are finished. Is it so bad if someone gets a call-back after dinner?
• Daddy Daughter Dates: I have two girls and I think they are lovely! Every couple of months we go on a daddy-daughter date. Last week I took my eldest to lunch after I picked her up from preschool. I am convinced that much of my daughters security and confidence comes from my affirmation as a dad. I have seen this to be true for boys too…
• Family Traditions: Just ask my eldest some of the family traditions we have and she will quickly tell you, “Saturday morning pancakes, movie nights with popcorn and hot chocolate, bike rides at the park with picnics, getaways up North…” These are not just one-off events, they have become traditions that feel impossible to break.
• Include Like-Minded Friends To Help: Over the past few years we have developed some great friendships with many couples who are a few years older than us. Most of their kids have grown up and are married or are about to be. Their friendships have been wonderful, but their experience and wisdom is incredible.
• Take A Full Day Off: This is perhaps one of the hardest things for me to do with a young family and if I am honest, I am a work in progress. However, I am finding that my family gets my best when I am rested.
• No Phone Calls Or Texts In The Car: I learned this one recently from Doug Fields at The Simply Youth Ministry Conference. When he gets in the car with his wife or kids, he will not text or call anyone. Again, just a small but important way to communicate being fully present for my family…

Well, that is about what I have for now. If I come up with more, I will post them in my comments. I am sure some of you have some brilliant ideas and I would love to hear them!

Tomorrow: Family Focused Student Ministry – Part 3 – Focusing in how I make my ministry healthy for my volunteers.

Phil <><

Every student that we see in our ministry is part of a family system and is impacted by the health of their family. Given that we typically will have only a few hours a week of contact time with our students, I have had to realize that my impact on my students is greater when I can impact and support the whole family.

In addition, students value relationships and family more than ever. Many of them have been raised in a world of broken families or have seen the impact the of broken families in their friends. Out of this brokenness, they are desperate for answers as they look to their future. Therefore, it is imperative that we not only look to support their families with healthy family focused ministry, but we also look for ways to model healthy family through our own lives as volunteers and paid youth workers.

In the next four days I will take a look at how I am attempting to model and support healthy family ministry for myself, my volunteer leaders, my students parents, and for my students. I don’t claim to have all the answers, I am simply on a journey to discover the answers. Here is a snapshot of where I am going this week:

For Me: In 1 Timothy 3 Paul gives Timothy the charge of calling overseers and deacons. He insists, “if anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church”? In the same way, as a church leader, I have to realize that healthy family ministry starts with me and how I model health for students and their families. It’s crucial that I understand how my ministry will reflect my own life and family…

For My Volunteer Leaders: My volunteers have families and are an example to our students on a weekly basis. Many of them work full-time, or have teenagers of their own. The time they volunteer in student ministry is over and above their work week, is over and above their family time, and ultimately takes them away from their families. Therefore, it’s imperative that I create an environment that is conducive to healthy family ministry for them…

For My Parents: Families are busy, stretched, and stressed. Everything I do must be intentional about helping families – not hurting them. The way I schedule, the way I communicate, and the way individually support parents should be a passage to helping them (and ultimately helping their kids). Again, if I can impact parents positively, I am helping my students for the long-term. If however, I choose to lead a silo ministry that runs incredible programs, I might feel like I am helping students, but in reality I am not.

For My Students: Many of the students in our ministries come from broken homes or difficult situations. Statistically many of them are living with only one parent and have seen divorce. It’s important that I see the big picture of my ministry as a model to these students who need to see how a dad / husband acts and lives. In the same way, many of my students need to see how a mom / wife acts and lives through the example of my wife. It’s vital that my students get the inside scoop to myself, my wife, my kids, and the way we live… Scary thought?

In the next four days I will be exploring each area and brainstorming the ways that I currently support families and how I hope to support them in the future.

Phil <><

In my post, I mentioned one of my leaders ‘Sara’ who speaks regularly in our large group environments. Not only is Sara a great communicator, she is an authentic and effective youth leader who has been ministering to teens for nearly a decade now. However, she is a full time mom and wife, and has her own speaking and prayer ministry that keeps her very busy. Yesterday Sara commented to my post and gave her perspective of why planning well in advance is helpful to her as a volunteer.

PLEASE NOTE: I hesitated to post this since I did not want anyone to think I am giving myself a high five for what I do. I felt it is important for all of us who are in the trenches full time to consider the ripple effect we have on volunteers and their effectiveness when we plan well…

One of Phil’s greatest assets as a leader is his dedication and determination to plan in advance with an openness to have to change or fly by the seat of his pants if needed. As a volunteer, I cannot tell you what a blessing this is! I am not constantly given last minute projects, spontaneous times to teach, whirlwind ideas and unnecessary crises that could have been avoided if there was good advanced planning. In Youth ministry and in any ministry frankly, we have to throw down often enough for crises, last minute emergencies or changes and there are always fun, spontaneous moments. But, to be following a leader who doesn’t plan in advance eventually becomes draining, exhausting, frustrating and frankly a complete drag since their last minute plans now become your problem when everyone is expected to drop everything in their life to make it happen. People and families get burnt. Phil leads a great example in this area and guess what one of his biggest problems is? He has more leaders than he needs! People are drawn to those who are respectful of their time, talents and families!

Why is that so difficult for some of us?  Let’s be honest, if you are like me,  it’s very easy to come up with reasons for not making use of volunteers in this way…

First, it’s easy to conclude that their volunteer status equals poor messages… Not true. 

Second, it could mean that we have to plan far in advance… Not easy for some of us!

Third, after we have met with the leader and walked them through the message,  we could have written it ourselves in less time… This is true, but would it be more effective? 

All seem like compelling reasons?  However, here’s why it is imperative to to invest, equip, and empower our volunteers to give messages: 

1) They are Different: As hard as this is to admit, students in our ministries will tune us out week after week. No matter how dynamic we are,  kids will naturally tune us out.  I have a British accent and my youth ministry friends say I could talk about anything and it would be interesting… I wish!  I tell them, yes, the new kids love it… (if they can understand me at first), but give them a few months and it’s old!  Our leaders are a different face, have a different style, and different ways of thinking through things… Your students have different learning styles and different ways to think through things too… We cannot cover the whole ‘bandwidth’ of students personalities and learning styles on our own. 

2) Planning Pays Off Volunteers will present poorly if we give them short notice… When we plan ahead in a series, we can give leaders 4-6 weeks to think and work on a message.  Leaders perform better when they have time to pray and think through their message. If we are not planning this far ahead, we are not helping our leaders succeed. 

3) Investment  Pays Off. Recently two leaders gave messages for me and I have invested hours of time into both of them. They both have good communication skills and a strong faith and these most recent messages were the best I have seen them give. We would all agree that their first messages were shaky and not as concise as they could be, (do you remember your first message?) Investment pays off as we take time to encourage, tweak and improve their skills. 

4) Get the Night off and Lead: When a leader gives the message for me and I am able to take the night off from speaking, I am able to lead better. I can step back and assess the program from a different vantage point and see tweaks we need to make that I would not normally see.  Finally, I can invest more relational time with leaders and students. It’s great for students and leaders to see us laughing and being a part of the group in a different way…

Is it time to step aside and let leaders speak? 

Phil <><

For me, the key to getting and keeping volunteers like this has been very intentional in how I meet with them and how we do life together. Here’s 5 things I do with all my volunteers: 

1) Large Leaders Meeting – Every two months: This is to celebrate victories, cast vision about why we do what we do, take a look at what is coming up in the big picture and pray for our kids. (I sometimes bring a load of postcards so leaders can write their kids as they pray for them. (When I say ‘their’ kids, I mean the ones that they have in a small group)… We always try to meet at the house of one of my leaders (it’s big house), and have snacks and drinks to make it laid back. (We could meet at the church, but I want it to me more like a party than a meeting)!

2) Individual Meetings: On an ongoing basis, I try to meet with all my main leaders at least once every two months for a coffee and catch up. I split an hour meeting into three ‘C’s. First, I ‘Check Up’. How are you doing personally? How is your walk with God etc. The second ‘C’ is: ‘Cast Vision’ – What do I need to say that will restate or refocus why we do what we do? Finally, the last ‘C’ is to ‘Communicate Details’: What events, details or changes do they need to know about?  

3) Key Leader Meetings: ’Key Leaders’ are leaders who oversee a certain area in our programs. These are the people I often meet with at least monthly. This time includes, planning and implementing what is coming up. 

4) Emails – once a week:  This is how I communicate the ‘nuts and bolts’ of what we are doing. Schedule, events, details of program are emailed to leaders and are we have a calendar and events page online with specifics. 

5) Quarterly Fun Events: Events at my house, BBQ’s, Christmas party, Wii nights etc… All designed to build community and relax

Phil <><