I wish I could say we have figured it all out, but we haven’t! There are some things we have been learning and some good things that I believe will keep my marriage and (ultimately) my ministry, healthy. Bottom line, we can’t expect our ministry to be healthy if our families and marriages are not…

Things I do (and should do more often) to keep my marriage fresh. 

ABC Dates - This is an idea that Lisa came up with a while back that I blogged about about (link). Every two weeks we go on a date that begins with the current letter of the alphabet we are on. It involves either an activity that begins with that letter or going to a restaurant beginning with that letter. We have played arcade games, bowled, been to corn mazes, watched hockey games and eaten at all kinds or weird places… Bottom line: Our marriage is more interesting and fullfilling when we do stuff outside the norm. ABC dates force us to do things outside the norm. 

Family Night - This works in two ways. Every Monday is my day off and our ‘planning night’. We sit down to dinner with our planners and look at our meal plan, Lisa’s schedule, my schedule, and plan one or two times to do fun stuff as a family that week. Later that week we go a ‘Family Night’ together: Bike rides, ice cream, the park etc…

Communicate My  Schedule – Not rocket science but is something I hear way too often from my ministry friends as a stumbling block for ministry marriages. Today I just printed off my whole summer schedule for my wife. However, none of it was planned until she gave her approval. (Do you shudder at that thought of your spouse giving approval? If so, ask yourself why? Jim Burns from Homeword.com once told me that he gives his wife veto power over his whole schedule)… 

Planning Quality Getaways: Ministry is crazy enough for all us and we know that our spouses can often get shorted for time on a regular basis. Therefore, I make it a priority to plan in advance our vacations and daytrips away. Right now we have planned daytrips this summer, (we are expecting a baby soon and this does not allow for vacations so much ). We also have a late Fall getaway and late winter getaway already on the calendar. Might sound like ‘over-planning’, but my experience tells me that if my getaways and vacations don’t make it on the calendar, other stuff will.

Here’s what I do to protect my marriage and family: 

Healthy Hours: Not working more than 50 hours a week – I actually schedule for 40 and with all the ministry ‘add ons’ I usually end up at 50. My mentor told me that every hour over 50 is not likely to be very effective anyway. 

Turn my phone Off… We don’t need to be talking, texting, or emailing when we are at home and with our families etc. Is it neccesary to take calls or send texts at mealtimes? When we do these things we are ‘not all there’ with our families. Lisa once commented to me that she wished I would ‘be all here’ when I am at home. This was hard to take, but was true. Do you need to be ‘all there’ by turning your phone off? 

Leave Frustrations at Church: This is a tough one, but one I am learning is imperative. I must learn to filter my frustrations and learn to channel them through trustworthy friends outside of my church. When I bring frustrations home to Lisa, it is hard for her not to be hurt by people and circumstances. It is imperative that she is excited to be worshipping at church without a negative feeling toward people or circumstances. 

Take a Day Off – If I murdered someone, or stole, or committed adultery, no one would disagree that I had sinned. Why then is it that we often find it hard to keep a Sabbath? You and I must take a day to reflect, refresh and refocus. Even if your boss does not take a day off, that’s not your fault. Doug Fields once told of a pastor who told a young youthworker that he didn’t take a day off because, “the devil does not”. The reply, “I’m sorry pastor, the devil is not my role model”… Who are our role models? What are we modelling for our families and students? 

Well, there are some things I do. What about you? What are you doing to keep your marriage healthy and protect it in the process?

It takes TIME! 

Today I want to add another dimension as to why we should expect it to take time. This understanding will also help us in our ministry plans and strategies…

It takes TIME: 

To understand the Culture: Now, I am not talking about youth culture, I am talking about the culture of the church we are presently serving at. It takes time to know and understand how the church runs, the people of influence, the history of successes, and the history of failure. Just like any kind of culture, it’s important to understand the ideas and values of people at our churches. This takes time…

It’s very tempting to come into a church with a ministry mindset and plan and not consider the culture of the church. I believe missing this principle can make or break the health and success of a youth ministry. It is imperative that we acknowledge and understand the culture of the church and people we serve, instead of coming in with a plan and going straight to work. 

Instead, initially, it is helpful to build on something that is existing and have some ‘visual successes’ that will build some excitement and investment from students, parents and leaders. However, this is a learning time for us to do some good things, but at the same time be working hard to understand the culture. Combine this with building trust by not changing too much at once, I believe this is a great time to build relationships and build a vault of culture understanding. This could make the difference.

When we have taken time to understand the culture, it helps us to: 

1) Predict challenges of change and address them before you get there. 

2) Select key people to carry a new vision. 

3) Understand how slow/fast to move on certain ideas. 

4) Keep our job? Yes, as crazy as it sounds. I have heard too many stories of youthworkers who have taken a great ministry plan into a church, but never succeeded because they did not listen to the culture first. I have heard of some youthworkers who go into a church and start with a clean slate and change everything.  But, I believe this can only be done when the majority of people are ready for massive change. I have heard of this done only in a few situations. 

Bottom line: It takes TIME to understand the culture of the church… It is important to understand it before we try to change it…

I wonder if you are like me when it comes to these times of year? It’s easy to catch myself looking at what we have done, but still wishing we were further ahead… It’s easy to take side glances at other ministries and feel insufficiant because we are not able to do all they are doing… In quick moments, (only quick moments I am glad to say), it is easy to forget all the great things that God has given us, and focus on the areas of our ministry that could be doing better. 

It’s in these moments you and I need to understand and embrace this fact: 

It takes TIME…

To Build Trust: With the students you work with, the parents you partner with, and the leaders who lead with you. Even if you have come into a healthy sitution, people still need time to know who you are and what you stand for. If you are coming into a challenging environment it takes longer to build trust and our steps must be lighter. 

It takes TIME

To Bring Clarity to the Vision: The reality is this: Even if we had a great plan and purpose in our last church, it might not work in the new place. Even if we feel like our plan is solid and easy to understand, we can’t assume that students, parents, and leaders are on board even after a couple of years. I believe that clarity comes easier when people have heard and seen a plan in action for at least a couple of years… Therefore, if you are building a ministry and adding components as you go, people might not yet have clarity since you are still building…

It takes TIME

To develop Leaders: It’s only after a few years that you can see the fruit of  the investment of meeting with leaders and training them for ministry. It takes time to see which leaders are in for the long haul and who you can depend on to be your key players. In my ministry, I ask for a high level of committment and I have some incredible leaders. But, the truth is, it had takes time to get leaders to be self sufficient and have good chemistry with my vision and direction. This takes lots of coffee meetings, lunches, hang out times and training days.  

It takes TIME

To build Relationships: We live in a shallow world where students ‘don’t care what you know, until they know that you care’. (I am sure you have heard that before). But let’s face it, students have adults coming in and out of their lives all the time and even if you are the most likeable guy or gal in the world, it’s going to take time for students to really let you into their world. A key to showing that you care is a commitment to consistency and longevity. It takes time…

Finally, if any of us take a look at other successful ministries around us, our first response must be, “Praise God for what He is doing there”. And second, “It must have taken TIME”. 

Have a great weekend!

Phil <><

Inside the Mind of Youth Pastors, Mark Riddle.

A great book that every senior pastor needs to get from their youth pastor! But, also a book that every youth pastor needs to read to better understand the dynamics of their churches and their senior pastors.

I would also say that this book is an essential book for a youth pastor who is looking to get hired at a church anytime soon. It will open your eyes to how a church thinks and acts in the hiring process. You will save yourself time and pain if you read this.

Mark highlights many challenges that youth pastors face, but also allows them to see the big picture of what is going on in their own minds, as well as the mind of the senior pastor and church. It’s a great ‘bridge builder’ of a book and is very practical and relevant. Mark writes in short chapters,  making it a quick and easy read ADD people like me. 

Buy two copies and see if your senior pastor will read this with you. It’s sure to create good communication and honest dialogue. 

Mark Riddle is a writer, consultant and blogger. You can check out his blog at: www.theriddlegroup.com/blog

For Lisa and I, about 6 months ago, we were given an opportunity to slow down and reflect on how our lives and marriage were holding up. As we talked, we realized that life had become busy and we were surviving, but not growing… We were talking, but not fully engaged… We realized that some changes had to be made. I wish I had time to tell you about all the changes we have made, but I will save that for later… Let me tell you how the ABC dates have been a huge investment in our marriage…

Here’s how they work for us: We plan a month out and plan every two weeks to go out, (that’s 26 a year… yes, there are 26 letters in the alphabet). We put those dates in the calendar and then in order, (but it doesn’t have to be), we plan out the ‘letter’ for that date. We try to do an activity or go to a restaurant that has the letter for that date, (sometimes we eat and do an activity too – sometimes just the activity to keep it cheaper).  

Here’s How:  

A – Applesbees and Arcade games, (good old fashioned arcades games too). 

B – Bowling (we had not been bowling in years… we were awful, but it was so much fun to laugh at each other). 

C – China Chef (a cheap hole in the wall chinese place that we love) and Corn Maze (We walked and talked for a few hours)

“Yeah, yeah… what about Z and Q and letters like that…”? – We have them all planned, you will be surprized how many ideas you get! Try it… 

The ABC dates are simple, but creative. They often require you to do activities that you have not done in a long time. They require you to plan and set aside time in advance, but here are the results:

The Results: When we get creative with the letters we ended up doing things that have made us laugh, made us talk more, made us experience more, and made us look forward to dates more. It’s so easy to do the same things all the time and they lose their impact. The ABC dates are never the same… 

In the 6 months we have been doing this I can honestly say that this is one significant investment that has brought about great depth of love  for each other. It’s amazing to see what happens when you take time to invest in each other and get excited about the next activity. Something happens, and it makes the difference. Try the ABC’s out if you want, but most of all… take time to plan dates together… no matter how busy life and ministry is…

 A blog where you can find a chair, grab a coffee (or tea for me), and talk youth ministry.  

 A blog where you can take the load, check out for a few minutes and consider some ideas that    might help you.

 A blog where you can hear real stories of success and real stories of failure and how to build on  both… 

A blog where you can connect, learn, laugh and enjoy your coffee… (well, ok, I can’t guarantee that).