These were the hard, but truthful, words my wife spoke as she shared her frustrations of being married to an overscheduled youth pastor.

It wasn’t like I didn’t see it coming… Over many months I had blurred the lines of ministry and family. I had created an unhealthy ministry schedule in a church that was exploding with growth. My overscheduled ministry had become the enemy of healthy family time. I knew in my heart there were things I needed to change.

I had been to conferences that told me to create boundaries and to take care of my family. Even though I knew simple changes would make all the difference, I was allowing the complexity of ministry to lead the way for my family. It took a difficult reality and painful words to begin a new direction…

Here’s what I discovered: When I schedule what matters most for my family, we stay healthier and I minister from a healthier perspective. Therefore, it is imperative that I live by some simple, (yet powerful) ways of planning family and ministry. We do this by picking a regular day to make a plan. For us, it’s Monday evenings. We have dinner together and look at our upcoming schedules. During this habitual planning time we are intentional about setting aside family time.

Here’s how we schedule what matters most:

(Continue reading the rest of this article over at youthministry.com by clicking here)

It’s God’s design that parents disciple their kids, (Deuteronomy 6:7). Unfortunately, many models of youth ministry either take over the role of parents, or do not intentionally partner with parents to support them. Given that parents spend so much more time with their kids than I do, I must invest in parents knowing that I am utimately helping my students more effectively.

Here’s aspects I am working on to create a Family Focused Student Ministry that partners with parents and does not replace them:

1) Remind Parents Of My Job (And Theirs): I am constantly telling parents, “I am here to partner with you and not replace you… I am here to support and reinforce what you are already teaching your kids at home.” It’s my supportive way to let parents know I am in this to support them, but also to remind them of their role too. I find this phrase does not threaten parents who are not keeping their role, it usually spurs them on to take a more active role in discipling their kids.

2) Communication: Given busy schedules, I over communicate as much as possible. We text (Simply Youth Ministry), email (Mailchimp), facebook, use the church bulletin, (a few parents read that), a monthly parent newsletter (through ParentLink), flyers, and constant conversations. Because parents have so many messages, emails and information coming their way, it’s pertinent that I over communicate. When I do this it gives parents confidence in my ministry and helps them plan well…

3) Schedule in Way In Advance: Not every parent looks way ahead in their schedule, but the ones who do really appreciate it when I give them good notice. Events like mission trips or weekend retreats or summer events seem to be most important. In addition, when I plan far ahead, parents will often bend and flex to make the church event work in their schedule. When I schedule late, too bad! Being family focused means I must consider their schedules first…

4) Recruits Great Parent Leaders To Minister To Parents: I am a father of 2 kids under 5, but I do not know what it feels like to be a parent of a teen. Even though I can talk to parents as the “expert” on their teenager, there is still a big piece of the puzzle missing. I have been very intentional about recruiting great “been there, seen it” parents who can come alongside the parents of teenagers in my ministry.

5) Promote Parenting Resources: I am constantly posting books and resources on facebook for my parents to read. I am aware that many parents follow me on facebook and I use this to give them ideas about books and websites that will be helpful to them. My favorite sites to point parents to are: homeword.com and cpyu.org. Currently the two books I am promoting to parents are two books by Dr. Jim Burns from Homeword: Teenology and Faith Conversations for Families

6) Quarterly Parent Meetings: We meet after church while everyone is on campus, we keep the meetings short, and we make them worthwhile by focusing on issues that parents are yearning to know.

7) Meet with Them: This might seem obvious, but I know it can be scary for some youth workers to meet with parents. A lot of the time I find they just want to get to know me and want to be heard. Just like teens, parents don’t care what you know until they know that you care…

8.) Praise them: Parenting teens can be a huge rollercoaster for our parents with more “downs” than “ups” at times. It’s important to see myself as a cheerleader to the parents. Building them up gives them confidence and valuable support. Don’t underestimate just how much it means to them when the “expert” on teens tells them what a great job they are doing!

Well, there is a lot more to say, but these are the main pieces I am working on. How about you?

Tomorrow: Family Focused Student Ministry – Part 5: Students

Phil <><

I could start by telling you what I do to promote a healthy family focus for my leaders, but I will let some of them start by telling you instead:

Phil understands when we need to miss ministry to meet any family issues there is NO GUILT. He shows genuine concern about our families by remembering and asking how they are doing. He seeks to have a social relationship with our spouses who are not involved with youth ministry… Maryann

Phil reaches out and calls me to check up on how I am doing and not just me but my family as well.  It has been a true blessing and he has been a faithful friend to us since TJ’s passing… Trent (lost his 16 yr old son last September in a car accident)

I love serving in our youth ministry, and I have been for many years now.  But I have 2 kids of my own, and sometimes I need to miss.  When I communicate with Phil about having to miss the midweek youth night, he always says ‘no problem, family always comes first’.  Wow!  I don’t feel guilty about missing.  I want to make sure there are enough workers present, but he doesn’t let me go there.  It is so encouraging for me to know that I am not being judged about missing a night every once in a while so that I can be present at my own kids events. Charissa

Being a new father and helping out with the Youth, Phil is constantly reminding me that family comes first. There has been a few time this year when things have come up either with our son or other family members when I was unable to make Fusion and Phil has always stressed the point that Family comes first… Josh

I feel like Phil states the needs of the ministry and then allows us to decide which needs we can fill based on our family’s schedule. Also, we have enough leaders to be a little flexible and  ”float” people around if someone cannot attend an event due to family commitments… Beth

You are considerate of family time at the holidays and schedule accordingly. Even if that means canceling Sunday School or Fusion for a week.  I value that time with my family and don’t feel guilty then for taking the time off… Lee

You are always encouraging us leaders to step up an help each other out.  Whether it’s helping out with games and icebreakers or giving a message in your place.  It keeps us from getting overwhelmed or spending too much time at home preparing… Jason

As I wrap up this post, here a few quick things I do to help my leaders stay family focused. (This is NOT THE WAY, just simply A WAY that is working for me and my leaders).

1) Schedule Way In Advance: Allow them lots of time so they can plan for their families.

2) Make Meetings Count: We meet every two months and the feedback I get is that the meetings are productive and helpful. In meetings we a) Pray and celebrate what God has been doing, b) share challenges and provide solutions c) provide specific training d) look ahead at the teaching and events schedule. e) Pray

3) Over Communicate the Schedule: Volunteers can be busy people, so don’t expect them to get the schedule straight away… Over communication is better than too little I find…

4) Pray For Them And Ask About Their Families: The more I pray for my leaders, the more I have God’s heart for them. I also find there is distinct correlation to how leaders invest in students based on how I invest in my leaders lives…

5) Give Grace To Miss: Yes, there have been times when we are short of leaders, but I have found that my leaders are more committed and more focused when I am concerned about them. If there is a family event or one of their kids has sports etc, I must care more about their family commitment than filling the spaces. God always seems to provide when I pursue health for my leaders…

6) No Parenting At Our Programs And Events: If I have a parent leader, I have a rule that they cannot parent while at the program / event. It has to be a healthy win for both parent and student while they are both there.

Well, there are few ways I consider my leaders and their families. Again, it’s not THE WAY, it is just A WAY.

Next up: Family Focused Student Ministry – Part 4 – For Parents.

Phil <><

IT STARTS WITH ME (OR YOU): In 1 Timothy 3 Paul gives Timothy the charge of calling overseers and deacons. He insists, “if anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church”? In the same way, as a church leader, I have to realize that healthy family ministry starts with me and how I model health for students and their families. It’s crucial that I understand how my ministry will reflect my own life and family…

THE BOTTOM LINE: Disagree with me or not, I firmly believe that a healthy family focus go hand in hand with a successful ministry. I believe that God honors my efforts when I ensure that I am healthy for myself and my family. If you are like me, I want my family to be healthy and my ministry too. It’s not easy, and it takes God’s strength and wisdom, but it can be done…

HERE’S WHAT I DO: Here’s a quick bullet goals, boundaries and guidelines to stay family focused for myself:

• Pray: Obvious, but not always practiced. If you are like me, it is so easy to allow life and busyness to create unhealthy family patterns. Prayer for my family has been something that I have had to become intentional about.
• Work Hard – Play Hard (At the Right Times): A huge help to being family friendly is making sure that when I am on ministry time I work hard and work effectively. While I am in the trenches I want to use my time wisely and not get side-tracked. Once my ministry time is done, I make a point of “playing hard” with my family.
• Family Schedule: Schedule my family calendar first before I add events/meetings/additional programs. We include a family nights (every two weeks), date nights every (two weeks), and get together with friends.
• Read Books About Healthy Family Life. It’s easy to always read ministry books, I try to add in some books that help me and my family grow.
• Dinner: First, eat dinner as many nights as we can. Even if I have a program on an evening I try my best to work my schedule around dinner times, (even it is a quick “pit-stop” dinner).
• No Phone at Dinner: When we eat dinner these days, I try to remember to turn my phone off until we are finished. Is it so bad if someone gets a call-back after dinner?
• Daddy Daughter Dates: I have two girls and I think they are lovely! Every couple of months we go on a daddy-daughter date. Last week I took my eldest to lunch after I picked her up from preschool. I am convinced that much of my daughters security and confidence comes from my affirmation as a dad. I have seen this to be true for boys too…
• Family Traditions: Just ask my eldest some of the family traditions we have and she will quickly tell you, “Saturday morning pancakes, movie nights with popcorn and hot chocolate, bike rides at the park with picnics, getaways up North…” These are not just one-off events, they have become traditions that feel impossible to break.
• Include Like-Minded Friends To Help: Over the past few years we have developed some great friendships with many couples who are a few years older than us. Most of their kids have grown up and are married or are about to be. Their friendships have been wonderful, but their experience and wisdom is incredible.
• Take A Full Day Off: This is perhaps one of the hardest things for me to do with a young family and if I am honest, I am a work in progress. However, I am finding that my family gets my best when I am rested.
• No Phone Calls Or Texts In The Car: I learned this one recently from Doug Fields at The Simply Youth Ministry Conference. When he gets in the car with his wife or kids, he will not text or call anyone. Again, just a small but important way to communicate being fully present for my family…

Well, that is about what I have for now. If I come up with more, I will post them in my comments. I am sure some of you have some brilliant ideas and I would love to hear them!

Tomorrow: Family Focused Student Ministry – Part 3 – Focusing in how I make my ministry healthy for my volunteers.

Phil <><

Every student that we see in our ministry is part of a family system and is impacted by the health of their family. Given that we typically will have only a few hours a week of contact time with our students, I have had to realize that my impact on my students is greater when I can impact and support the whole family.

In addition, students value relationships and family more than ever. Many of them have been raised in a world of broken families or have seen the impact the of broken families in their friends. Out of this brokenness, they are desperate for answers as they look to their future. Therefore, it is imperative that we not only look to support their families with healthy family focused ministry, but we also look for ways to model healthy family through our own lives as volunteers and paid youth workers.

In the next four days I will take a look at how I am attempting to model and support healthy family ministry for myself, my volunteer leaders, my students parents, and for my students. I don’t claim to have all the answers, I am simply on a journey to discover the answers. Here is a snapshot of where I am going this week:

For Me: In 1 Timothy 3 Paul gives Timothy the charge of calling overseers and deacons. He insists, “if anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church”? In the same way, as a church leader, I have to realize that healthy family ministry starts with me and how I model health for students and their families. It’s crucial that I understand how my ministry will reflect my own life and family…

For My Volunteer Leaders: My volunteers have families and are an example to our students on a weekly basis. Many of them work full-time, or have teenagers of their own. The time they volunteer in student ministry is over and above their work week, is over and above their family time, and ultimately takes them away from their families. Therefore, it’s imperative that I create an environment that is conducive to healthy family ministry for them…

For My Parents: Families are busy, stretched, and stressed. Everything I do must be intentional about helping families – not hurting them. The way I schedule, the way I communicate, and the way individually support parents should be a passage to helping them (and ultimately helping their kids). Again, if I can impact parents positively, I am helping my students for the long-term. If however, I choose to lead a silo ministry that runs incredible programs, I might feel like I am helping students, but in reality I am not.

For My Students: Many of the students in our ministries come from broken homes or difficult situations. Statistically many of them are living with only one parent and have seen divorce. It’s important that I see the big picture of my ministry as a model to these students who need to see how a dad / husband acts and lives. In the same way, many of my students need to see how a mom / wife acts and lives through the example of my wife. It’s vital that my students get the inside scoop to myself, my wife, my kids, and the way we live… Scary thought?

In the next four days I will be exploring each area and brainstorming the ways that I currently support families and how I hope to support them in the future.

Phil <><

So, how do you and I allow people at our churches to have a better perspective of our ministry and ultimately each of us as individuals? How do we ‘allow’ people to be more gracious with us, more than they were with the previous youth worker? It helps to be building a youth ministry fan base (See previous post, ‘How to Build a Youth Ministry Fan Base’)

First, I want to be clear that our goal should not to focus on trying to manipulate or become everyone ‘fake best friend’. What I am talking about is realizing that there are some healthy things we can do to supplement what we are trying to implement. Implementing our ideas without the supplement of ‘fan base building’ will become a detriment. 

Here’s some further ideas: 

1) Serve People in your Church. An effective way to build bridges and promote your wonderful students in your ministry is to be intentional about planning some service type events that bless people in your church. We try to do ‘Serve Team’ projects once a month which are aimed at blessing our community by showing God’s love in practical ways. At the same time, we try to find a few people in our church we can help or visit during that event. You will be surprized at how much the youth ministry will be promoted positively by those people inside and outside your church. Example: Before Christmas, we took our middle school kids Christmas carolling. We were inentional about going to some families at our church who needed the ‘blessing’ of middle school kids singing to them. I heard a lot of favorable comments from a number of people. 

2) Look out for your Pastor. As youthworkers it is imperative that we ‘lead up’ by always having the back of our lead pastor and other ministry staff. When we are team players who cover our team and supports them, we will see the same support extended to us. Note: I have seen and been apart of teams where everyone is for themselves. It’s tempting to fall into the mold too… In these cases you will build trust with insecure team members and you might just change the environment. Whether or not we do see fruit from this… We must do it since it is the best and right thing to do.

3) Do jobs Outside of your Job Description from time to time. Again, so many larger churches, (and smaller ones too) can easily live in silos where we only care for our own area. I am learning that building a fan base, (as well as good friends in ministry), happens when I agree to do jobs or tasks that are outside of job description from time to time. Things like, helping out the kids ministry with a message, or helping to update the website for your church, or preaching once in a while to give your pastor a week off (I currently preach every 6-8 weeks). Or even things like ‘talking up’ other ministries and helping them recruit volunteers. Note: Be careful not to become the doormat who gets asked to do EVERYTHING, but, make sure you don’t live in a silo either!

Finally, and most importantly, be a God pleaser above all else…

Building a youth ministry fan base is important, but it can go very wrong if we do not start with pleasing God first. We might become people pleasers who stretch ourselves too far by being the doormat of church ministry. Make sure that you are sensible with your time and bridge building. 

Any other ideas for building a youth ministry fan base?

For Lisa and I, about 6 months ago, we were given an opportunity to slow down and reflect on how our lives and marriage were holding up. As we talked, we realized that life had become busy and we were surviving, but not growing… We were talking, but not fully engaged… We realized that some changes had to be made. I wish I had time to tell you about all the changes we have made, but I will save that for later… Let me tell you how the ABC dates have been a huge investment in our marriage…

Here’s how they work for us: We plan a month out and plan every two weeks to go out, (that’s 26 a year… yes, there are 26 letters in the alphabet). We put those dates in the calendar and then in order, (but it doesn’t have to be), we plan out the ‘letter’ for that date. We try to do an activity or go to a restaurant that has the letter for that date, (sometimes we eat and do an activity too – sometimes just the activity to keep it cheaper).

Here’s How:  

A – Applesbees and Arcade games, (good old fashioned arcades games too).

B – Bowling (we had not been bowling in years… we were awful, but it was so much fun to laugh at each other).

C – China Chef (a cheap hole in the wall chinese place that we love) and Corn Maze (We walked and talked for a few hours)

“Yeah, yeah… what about Z and Q and letters like that…”? – We have them all planned, you will be surprized how many ideas you get! Try it…

The ABC dates are simple, but creative. They often require you to do activities that you have not done in a long time. They require you to plan and set aside time in advance, but here are the results:

The Results: When we get creative with the letters we ended up doing things that have made us laugh, made us talk more, made us experience more, and made us look forward to dates more. It’s so easy to do the same things all the time and they lose their impact. The ABC dates are never the same…

In the 6 months we have been doing this I can honestly say that this is one significant investment that has brought about great depth of love  for each other. It’s amazing to see what happens when you take time to invest in each other and get excited about the next activity. Something happens, and it makes the difference. Try the ABC’s out if you want, but most of all… take time to plan dates together… no matter how busy life and ministry is…

Do you ever feel like ministry is like trying to chase cheese down a hill? It’s like you always have something more to do, always another student to meet with, another leader to train, another message to write… Or the church toilet to clean (after the middle school lock-in), the website to update, a boring church meeting to attend… you name it, it’s always a busy time in youth ministry.

So what do ya do when it gets crazy and busy? Here’s what I am learning to do: 

Two books have influenced me in the last few years that have been huge in discerning how to ‘get down the hill’ of ministry safely: 

1) What Matters Most by Doug Fields (pick it up at simplyyouthministry). When you discover what is most important in life and ministry, you are able to let the cheese roll away and not have to chase it. In other words, there will always be more to do and the reality is you can’t get it all done. You can either chase like crazy and not get it done anyways, (and in the process compromise your walk with God and your family), or you can take time out to discern what is truly important and ensure that these things get most of your energy, while less important things get delegated or put on the back burner. Doing this gives me great confidence to say, “great opportunity, but if I say yes to it, I will be saying no to something more important”. 

2) Eat That Frog,  by Brian Tracy: This book is practical and helps me in priorities and ensures that the ‘big frogs’ or the most important and challenging things get done first. It outlines practical steps that I can take to be organized. To say, “oh, I’m a youth worker and all youth workers are disorganized” is a cop out… that does not have to be true. And my effectiveness is tied to my planning and organization.

Nothing happens unless I am intentional… great events of tomorrow are planned today. 

Happy Reading 

PB