1. You are both “called.” I highly recommend having an honest heart to heart about this before the wedding bells ever ring.  Yet, if you have already “said the vows,” you need to sit and talk this concept through.   I am not suggesting that the church got a “two for the price of one,” deal.   You will need to figure out how you will each serve and support  the  other in the actual day-to-day tasks of “ministry.”  Instead, this is a philosophical view.   When you do not have a heart that is united in backing the  “calling” a rift happens in your marriage.  It does not belong to one or the other of you, because ministry is never just a “job.”

2. Learn to communicate. A mentor told me once, “Communication is not what you say,  it’s what the other person hears.”   I repeat this often to others.   This means that you as a couple need to make sure that you are learning to communicate about everything from boundaries, to schedules, to vision for your lives.   Make time DAILY to communicate with each other face to face.   Sit and really talk about everything, make sure the other person is hearing you.  Make sure you are listening to what your spouse is saying.  This does not mean merely sharing, facts, but ensuring there is mutual understanding and investment.

3. Make Jesus the Center. Of what you ask?  Yes.  Is the answer.   Be intentional to take the time to make Christ the focus of your personal life.  Then make sure you are taking the time intentionally make him the center of your marriage. Then make sure he is the center of your ministry.   Before anything you “do,” your relationship is most important.  We have all heard that the cord of three strands is not easily broken.  However, when we are not focusing on him to be that middle thread, we unravel.   We all “mean well,” to not be too busy or distracted.  However, Satan wants to render us ineffective.    He wants to devour our marriage and us.   Individually and together take the time to pray, read the Word and worship.  Do these things daily, make it part of your “schedule.”  Building your marriage on the rock and keeping it there, is what gets us through the storms of life.

Most importantly, don’t ever forget to enjoy each other!  The Lord gave you a traveling companion on this narrow road with him.   The road is rarely easy.  However, it is a joy to have someone to share it with.  Learn each other, take time to foster this relationship (deliberately) and just fall deeper in love every day.  You stood in front of each other on that wedding day and thought, “How could I possibly love them more?”  Then with each passing year you get to turn around and watch it grow deeper and richer.   This is regardless of your “ministry status.”

Leneita

So You’ve Just Gotten Married!!

Congratulations!!  Enjoy the honeymoon – your literal one…and the lingering one as you return from your trip and begin the joyous process of learning to live together and love one another.

While you’re doing that, be on the alert.  Because you’re in youth ministry, you won’t just be learning to navigate the toilet paper rolls and toothpaste tubes around your house!

1. Build some boundaries.  If you have been single in ministry, chances are your students and your church have become used to your availability.  And even if your spouse is ‘all in’ with the ministry, it’s important to incorporate some boundaries so you can enjoy learning to love one another and live together without the constant eye of ministry watching you.
2. Spend as much time pouring into your spouse as you do (and have) your ministry.  God has blessed you with a ministry partner – but has also given you a new ministry field!  (And it’s one where your example will speak volumes to your students.)  Invest in your spouse – she/he is your first ministry now.
3. Build relationships as a couple.  Youth ministry sucks a lot of attention and time.  It’s easy to throw yourselves into ministry with teenagers and never build friendships outside the youth ministry.  Consider getting involved in a couples small group or Bible study.  Your marriage will need identity (and friends) outside the youth ministry.

Enjoy being married!  God made you to serve Him together by serving one another first!

Today I am excited to announce two new contributors to this youth ministry blog! Here’s some info about them:

John and Leneita Fix have been in some form of youth ministry for almost 20 years. In the early years John volunteered and spent his days as a High School science teacher,  while Leneita was the one considered “full time.”  That all changed about 16 years ago when they both came on staff with an urban youth ministry.  They have always approached ministry with a shared vision to see the next generation grow from survival to thriving in Christ.  With the changing landscape of “urban” ministry their heart is for unchurched families.  Together they bring a unique perspective of ministering in  a variety of  settings   from running ministries,  to programming,  teaching,  speaking and simply enjoying their marriage while raising 4  children.  All the while they do this by living in the inner city learning to be a neighbor to those who are there with them.

In seasons like this it’s time to breathe, time to learn, and time to look forward. 

TIME TO BREATHE: The last couple of months have been very busy, but it means everything to stop and be filled up instead of running on empty. The last two weeks I have had to be very intentional to calve out time to be alone, read God’s Word, and be silent. It’s not easy, but it’s essential. It’s challenging to slow down when there are so many things to get done and so many people to keep happy. However, hanging in the long-haul and being effective in the short-term depends on our dependence on God. We must be ruthless with our schedules and intentional about taking time to breathe with our Father. 

TIME TO LEARN: As I take time to breathe, I am able to look back and learn from the last couple of months.  I realize there are a lot of things out of my control, but there were many things I have learned from my busy season:

- I have said “yes” to too many projects and people. It’s important to come back to a narrowed focus and challenge myself to “major in the majors, and minor in the minors…”

- No matter how much came up, it was important to change up my schedule to support my family. Even when stuff was piling up, I made sure my family did not get my left-overs…

- I need more sleep! Going to bed earlier in the last week has helped me become more efficient, more focused, and more excited about my day? Do you need more sleep?

- I need to exercise more! Working out helps me feel better and more energized. When life gets busy, my health takes a back seat… This needs to stop. The past week has been full of healthy eating and exercise. It is helping my energy levels and productivity and thus I am getting more done in less time…

A TIME TO LOOK FORWARD: Anytime I am in the midst of chaos and busy schedules, it’s important that I slow down, but it’s important that I look forward to ensure the coming months are different. Here’s what I have been doing:

- Getting the family schedule mapped out for the next few months and making family and date nights a priority. Last weekend my wife and I went out for a date and then went to Starbucks to put our calendars together…

- Planning and booking our 10 year wedding anniversary getaway!

- Getting excited about The Simply Youth Ministry Conference in March! Are you going? I am super excited. The theme: Breathe

- Planning time off after our winter retreat…

These are just a few things I have been convinced I need to do to hang in for the long-haul, be more effective today, and enjoy my life a little more? What have you had to do in your life and ministry to stay healthy?

Phil <><

Check out my first post in this series to see how you can enter to win a FREE registration for The Simply Youth Ministry Conference…

When I started out in ministry I wanted to change the world and see students lives radically changed by God. I was younger, single, and I wanted to do whatever I could to make a difference! Today, I am older, I am married, but my passion has not changed. In fact, I feel a greater urgency and passion these days than ever before… And here’s the struggle: Our passion to make a difference in ministry can often create unhealthy boundaries for our families. It’s imperative we set up healthy boundaries that allow us to be effective in ministry and work hard for our church or organization, but also healthy for our family. 

I have made many mistakes with boundaries, but I have learned a great deal too. Here are the boundaries that truly make a difference for me and my family: 

1) The Hours I Work: My church has called me to minister to students and I take my role very seriously. My church trusts me to work the hours in my job description and expect and be a wise steward of my time. But, I find there is always more to do than my hours allow. If I am not careful I could be working unhealthy hours and miss out valuable times with my family. It’s up to me to set up a healthy schedule.

For me, I usually schedule ten hours below what is expected, knowing that emergencies, extra phone calls, and last minute meetings will add another ten hours. It’s also important to realize that there are certain seasons when we work longer hours, but it’s also important to “buy back” family time sometime later. As a steward of my time, it’s imperative that I work smart to accomplish the most important tasks.

2) My Day Off: I work really hard to not answer my phone, check email, or talk ministry on my day off. My voicemail even states that Friday is my day off and “I will return your message on Saturday”. I have come to realize that being available every day is not healthy for me and my family and in the long run will not benefit my church. A day off is imperative. How are you keeping your day off protected?

3) Cell Phone: There was a time when I took every phone call and often missed out on crucial conversations and times with my family. The outcome was not healthy… Therefore, these days my phone gets switched off at family dinner times and usually doesn’t get switched back on until the kids are in bed. It’s then that I return any messages I have. I also avoid taking phone calls while we are driving somewhere as a family. I do this to be “fully present” with my wife and kids. It’s important that I communicate that they are my priority while I am with them.  It might seem that I am making others wait to get to me… you would be right in thinking so! I work hard to return messages quickly, I always communicate that I was with my family when I return a call since it’s important for others to see the priorities I place on family time.

4) Date Night and Family Night. As I discussed in a previous post, I schedule these crucial dates 1-2 months in advance to ensure my calendar is family friendly first. It’s then that I schedule meetings, sports events, and additional events on my calendar…

Well, those are my top four healthy boundaries for my family. What about you? What helps you do great ministry, yet keep healthy boundaries around your family? What have you been learning in all of this? 

Today, I want to share with you some things I do to ensure that I invest in my family and strive for healthy balance while doing ministry. I have a story similar to David who we read about in the previous post. There was a time when I felt like quitting ministry altogether! However, God has kept me in ministry and helped me to learn life-changing lessons and learn how to find balance for my family. For me, like many of us, it is a question of good boundaries and scheduling. In my next post I will look at boundaries, but for today I will focus on my schedule.

The biggest schedule lesson I have learned is this: Schedule the most important family commitments before anything else. Now, obviously days like Sunday and maybe a Wednesday midweek program are always on our schedules, but apart from those kind of regular activities, there is a lot of flexibility in our scheduling. Therefore, before everything else gets added in, I ensure that the following priorities get added into my schedule.

1) Family Meal Times: Believe it or not, it’s easy to miss these simple family times. It’s also very easy to be late to dinner regularly if we are not careful. Constant lateness home for dinner is a big deal since it communicates the wrong message to our spouse and kids. Therefore, I actually write dinner and lunches into my schedule, otherwise they can get overlooked. It also helps my wife know what to plan on a weekly basis if she knows I am going to be home for certain meals.

2) Date Nights: We used to be able to have a weekly date night before we had kids! Now it is twice a month! We usually plan these nights out 1-2 months in advance. When I take time to make these date nights a priority, it communicates that my spouse is more important than anything else. It also ensures that we always have something to look forward to when life is busy and challenging.

3) Family Nights: Now that we have two kids, we have an intentional family night where we do something “out of the normal”. It could be a family bike ride and picnic on a summer evening, or a family game / movie night on a cold winter evening. Again, we do these family nights every two weeks and schedule them in 1-2 months in advance.

4) Traditions: For us family traditions are so important! Throughout the year we have these small events / getaways planned that we all look forward to. These range from overnight getaways to a hotel with water-park, to our yearly trip to the apple orchard. As adults it’s easy to lose the excitement and anticipation of these simple events and trips. But I know how important these memory makers are for my kids! If you were to talk to my kids, they would tell you that the yearly trip to a German style town called Frankenmuth in Michigan is there highlight! Most importantly, it’s one of many yearly traditions we have established that always give us something positive to look forward to and memories to look back on…

Now, let’s be honest for a minute. There is nothing I have said that is a new thought for most of us is there? However, if you are like me, I have found that ministry can take over our schedules very quickly. It’s imperative that we are intentionally scheduling family times before everything else takes over…

And here is the outcome:

- My family stays healthier

- My church gets a healthier youth worker and my ministry has greater effectiveness.

- I hang in for the long haul and my students will benefit from my longevity.

What family priorities do you need to schedule? What family priorities have become defaults in your schedule that are benefiting you, your family, and your church?

CONTEST INFO: 

1) Comment and Help David: What advice would you give David? What can he do to make the necessary changes? What needs to happen in his family and ministry?

2) Comment and Share Your Story: In what ways do you relate to David’s story? What have you done to make the changes? What changes could you make personally?

3) Tweet To Win! Tweet the following text and your name can be entered a SECOND time to win!

I just entered to win a FREE conference registration for SYMC 2012  from @PhilBell http://wp.me/ppcai-xA #stumin

DEADLINE IS OCT 20th…

The team at Simply Youth Ministry have created a conference that does so much more than equip youth workers with the tools to do ministry effectively. Right from the beginning, their vision has been to invest in the whole person of the youth worker. SYMC 2012 is a place for youth workers to not only gain incredible skills for ministry, but also discover a place of authenticity where they can refuel and breathe. With this in mind, today I want to encourage you take time to breathe and refuel as you consider how you balance family and ministry…

David’s Story: 

David took his first ministry position straight from college. He got married the following year, changed churches a year after, and had twins with his wife Kim the year after that. David would agree it’s been a busy and sometimes frustrating time as he has tried to deal with the constant changes that family and ministry brings. His job is mostly stressful and a growing church has often become a burden instead of a blessing it once was… If you were to take time to speak to his wife Kim, the exhaustion is evident on her face. The last two years have been sometimes miserable as Kim has watched David get pulled in many directions in a ministry that looks great from the outside…

On the inside of David’s family however, Kim is feeling over burdened with greater responsibility at home and is often feeling alone as David works an unhealthy hours. David too, is at breaking point… He is running on empty and it is only a matter of time before he falls apart…  The cracks are starting to appear… These days he feels like he barely has time to breathe… 

Does this story sound familiar? Are there cracks appearing for you? If someone could peek on the inside and could look at your alone time with God, your family time, your days off, and the authenticity of your friendships, what would they see? If you are like me, there are some areas that I need to work on…

Help David! Comment, Tweet, and YOU could WIN!

Tomorrow I will post some things I have been doing to balance family and ministry.  But for now, I would love to hear from you! Here’s what you can do to help David, and possibly win a registration to SYMC 2012!

1) Comment and Help David: What advice would you give David? What can he do to make the neccesary changes? What needs to happen in his family and ministry?

2) Comment and Share Your Story: In what ways do you relate to David’s story? What have you done to make the changes? What changes could you make personally?

3) Tweet To Win! Tweet the following text and your name can be entered a SECOND time to win!

I just entered to win a FREE conference registration for SYMC 2012  from @PhilBell http://wp.me/ppcai-xn #stumin

For more information on the Simply Youth Ministry Conference go to: http://conference.youthministry.com/ or call Matty McCage at 615-349-7111 to register.

WINNER ANNOUNCED Oct 20th!

Here’s what I do:

1) Include My Family In My Messages: As much as I can, I try to include stories about my family in my messages. Not only is it a great way for students to get an inside scoop to my family life, it also builds trust and connection with them. It’s so important that my students see me as “human” and someone who has a family and has hopes and dreams for them. When I am talk about my family, I become more vulnerable in front of my students. (This I feel creates greater trust). In addition. when I take time to include my family in my messages, I feel like I am painting a picture of something incredible for my students to look forward to…

2) Include My Family In Ministry: As often as we can, I have my wife and kids stop by our student ministry center (The Warehouse), and check in with me and my students. The girls in my ministry think my kids are cute and the guys laugh at me when I go all “soft” when my kids get there. It’s one of the best feelings when my kids run up and hug me, but I also think it’s helpful for these young adults to see the connection I have with my kids. In addition, my wife, Lisa, helps out with our student leadership program and at our big events.

3) Invite Students Into My Home: This has not been as easy since the birth of our youngest daughter, but is something that we hope to do more. It’s important that students get the inside scoop to my home and family to see how we love and treat each other. It’s also important however, that we set good boundaries on times and days when it is not good to visit too… Sometimes students visit late at night with large amounts of toilet paper and “decorate” our house for us…

4) Teach about Healthy Family: Many students have seen broken families or have been impacted indirectly. I feel it is important to contrast the reality of broken families with God’s Word on families, marriage, and children. Often it’s easy to get caught up with topical issues or the latest happening in youth ministry. However, I think healthy family should be a yearly focus for students…

5) Praise Their Parents: A crucial role to partner with parents and help students to have a healthy view of family is to praise their parents regularly! I feel that a big part of my job as a youth pastor is to help students see the best in their parents and understand how their parents think. Parents are not the enemy, it’s often just the autonomy of students and a disconnect with their parents struggling to let go. Therefore, my job is to praise parents and be a healthy bridge between their kids and understanding each other…

Well that’s all for now. What ways are you helping students have a healthy family focused outlook?

Phil <><

IT STARTS WITH ME (OR YOU): In 1 Timothy 3 Paul gives Timothy the charge of calling overseers and deacons. He insists, “if anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God’s church”? In the same way, as a church leader, I have to realize that healthy family ministry starts with me and how I model health for students and their families. It’s crucial that I understand how my ministry will reflect my own life and family…

THE BOTTOM LINE: Disagree with me or not, I firmly believe that a healthy family focus go hand in hand with a successful ministry. I believe that God honors my efforts when I ensure that I am healthy for myself and my family. If you are like me, I want my family to be healthy and my ministry too. It’s not easy, and it takes God’s strength and wisdom, but it can be done…

HERE’S WHAT I DO: Here’s a quick bullet goals, boundaries and guidelines to stay family focused for myself:

• Pray: Obvious, but not always practiced. If you are like me, it is so easy to allow life and busyness to create unhealthy family patterns. Prayer for my family has been something that I have had to become intentional about.
• Work Hard – Play Hard (At the Right Times): A huge help to being family friendly is making sure that when I am on ministry time I work hard and work effectively. While I am in the trenches I want to use my time wisely and not get side-tracked. Once my ministry time is done, I make a point of “playing hard” with my family.
• Family Schedule: Schedule my family calendar first before I add events/meetings/additional programs. We include a family nights (every two weeks), date nights every (two weeks), and get together with friends.
• Read Books About Healthy Family Life. It’s easy to always read ministry books, I try to add in some books that help me and my family grow.
• Dinner: First, eat dinner as many nights as we can. Even if I have a program on an evening I try my best to work my schedule around dinner times, (even it is a quick “pit-stop” dinner).
• No Phone at Dinner: When we eat dinner these days, I try to remember to turn my phone off until we are finished. Is it so bad if someone gets a call-back after dinner?
• Daddy Daughter Dates: I have two girls and I think they are lovely! Every couple of months we go on a daddy-daughter date. Last week I took my eldest to lunch after I picked her up from preschool. I am convinced that much of my daughters security and confidence comes from my affirmation as a dad. I have seen this to be true for boys too…
• Family Traditions: Just ask my eldest some of the family traditions we have and she will quickly tell you, “Saturday morning pancakes, movie nights with popcorn and hot chocolate, bike rides at the park with picnics, getaways up North…” These are not just one-off events, they have become traditions that feel impossible to break.
• Include Like-Minded Friends To Help: Over the past few years we have developed some great friendships with many couples who are a few years older than us. Most of their kids have grown up and are married or are about to be. Their friendships have been wonderful, but their experience and wisdom is incredible.
• Take A Full Day Off: This is perhaps one of the hardest things for me to do with a young family and if I am honest, I am a work in progress. However, I am finding that my family gets my best when I am rested.
• No Phone Calls Or Texts In The Car: I learned this one recently from Doug Fields at The Simply Youth Ministry Conference. When he gets in the car with his wife or kids, he will not text or call anyone. Again, just a small but important way to communicate being fully present for my family…

Well, that is about what I have for now. If I come up with more, I will post them in my comments. I am sure some of you have some brilliant ideas and I would love to hear them!

Tomorrow: Family Focused Student Ministry – Part 3 – Focusing in how I make my ministry healthy for my volunteers.

Phil <><

I have been on vacation for a week and I am headed back tomorrow. We are all a little sleep deprived and very excited to be parents again. However, one of the blessings of having another Addie has been the insights God has provided for me as I reflect being a parent again. As I consider these last few weeks and as I look ahead, here is what I am learning about Family and Ministry:

Clarity: Having another child is a great way for me to be able to bring clarity to what matters most and to consider my primary ministry – my family. No matter how many tasks and how many events or programs I have, it’s important to realize that family should come before youth ministry. While youth ministry is of huge significance, it is my belief that God has called me to 1) Be child of His first, 2) Be a husband and father second, 3) A youth pastor third. Agree or disagree, this has been continuous theme I hear from mentors in my life.

Balance: Balance is always hard to find in ministry, but it is crucial that all of us should try to lead our families well and pursue balance. Two great books that I recommend on this area are: ‘Choosing to Cheat’ By Andy Stanley, and ‘What Matters Most’ by Doug Fields. Both books are an easy read and very practical.

Andy Stanley is the pastor at Northpoint Community Church in Atlanta which is one of the fastest growing churches in the nation…yet he maintains that family come first. He rarely works over 40 hours a week and God has done some completely amazing things at Northpoint. As I have kept my hours at a sustainable and healthy level, I have seen not only my family blessed, but the ministry too.

Example: The power of example is always a huge area I often talk about, (just see my previous post). You and I have too many students and families watching our lives  for us to set a murky example of healthy balance.  Ultimately, these students will live out what is modeled for them. It’s important to not only take care of our families first, but to realize that we helping those around us too.

Planning Ahead: Putting my family before ministry also means that I should give them priority in my schedule. As I look ahead at the Fall we already have some key family nights and date nights in our schedule. It’s often challenging to do this since ministry can consume us in many ways. However, it’s important to schedule family first.

Finally, as I have said earlier, I have seen great things happen not only in my family but in my ministry. When I have clarity and pursue healthy balance,  I win, the church wins, and of course… my family wins too.

What is God teaching you about balancing family and ministry?

Phil <><

We celebrate the good gifts God gives us in our children. Children are a gift from the Lord. Psalm 127:3