Are you secure in God’s calling, strength, and purpose for you? Or, Is your life and ministry swayed by your insecurity?

Here are 10 signs that our ministry (and lives), are swayed by insecurity:

1. Our days begin with a long list of tasks that focus on keeping others happy, rather than seeking God’s affirmation.
2. We constantly compare ourselves to other youth workers or the youth ministry down the street.
3. We say “Yes” to every event and program idea: We are scared that by saying no, we might lose popularity.
4. We can’t miss a phone call at any time of the day: If we do, it eats us alive to wonder what the call was about.
5. We would rather be good friends with students, rather than being a solid leader to them.
6. We regularly lose sleep when students, leaders, and parents disagree or disapprove of us.
7. We constantly complain to friends about the latest conflict or disagreement in hopes to gain support and affirmation.
8. We feel defeated and devastated when an event or program doesn’t quite live up to what we and others hoped, (rather than seeing it as an opportunity to grow and learn).
9. We have a tendency to fish for compliments from others, and are fueled (and ruled), by their affirmations.
10. We feel distant from God and feel a lack of security and confidence in Him (and His promises…)

If you are like me, there are many things on this list that I relate to. I have times when I feel confident and secure, and then there are times when I feel desperate and insecure in myself and my ministry.

I know this might be completely obvious, but who are we trying to please?

As you go through your day, consider your motivations, your decisions, and your feelings. Are they driven by the intense need to keep others happy, or are you striving to please God and let his leading bring fruit to your life and ministry? I know this might seem so obvious, but it’s one of the greatest issues I see in leadership in churches today.

Are we really living to please God, or living for the approval of others? Are we allowing insecurity to define our lives and ministries?

What would you add to this list? What are some of the indicators that your ministry and life is defined by insecurity?

Phil <><

This is part-two of a two-part series looking at burnout in youth ministry. 

Since I wouldn’t stop, God shut me down.  He stopped me totally in my tracks. If I don’t get enough sleep now I am sick for 3 days.  I MUST sleep. If I don’t exercise, my muscles stiffen up and I can’t move.  I HAVE to work out daily. I have suffered from a stomach problem for 13 years (non burnout related.)   It is exasperated by stress and poor eating habits.  I HAVE TO EAT WELL.

God literally stopped me.  He said ENOUGH is ENOUGH.  I am not saying that the Lord laughed at me.  Instead FOR ME,  I couldn’t/wouldn’t listen.  So He gave me signs to help.  As I mentioned yesterday,  I know others that have come under the weight of similar afflictions.

I have come to see when I don’t listen,  the Lord grabs my attention.   He wants me with him in this for the long haul.

My friendly advice to you is to put some safety in place BEFORE you fall.  We were not created to run and run and run.  The Lord didn’t rest on the 7th day because he needed it.  He never “sleeps nor slumbers.”  He sat down to remind us, humans, that we should.  Jesus didn’t steal away for a moment with the Father out of obligation.  This was the very moment that would renew him and fill him up for all that was ahead.  It was his lifeline to recall the vision to which he was called.   Our lives truly are about BEING with our God.  This is why we serve him.   There are moments when we get the order wrong.  At these times there needs to be a correction.

What Do We Do?

For those of us can’t stop how do we remember that we have to.   God didn’t give everyone the thorn in his side he has given me.  I can safely say those happened because I wouldn’t listen.  Jacob limped for a lifetime after he wrestled with God.  It was a reminder of who ultimately won the match.

1.  Know the signs:

According to Cathy Gates director of Transformation Leadership International there are three telling signs that we are headed for a breakdown:

• Emotional and physical exhaustion: You feel worn out physically and emotionally. You have no energy; feel depleted, debilitated and fatigued.
• Depersonalized response toward others: You find yourself displaying negative or inappropriate attitudes toward people. Your sense of idealism disappears. You are irritated by others much more easily.
• Reduced sense of personal accomplishment: You experience reduced productivity and low morale. You find yourself withdrawing from your responsibilities and from others. Your ability to cope with day to day stress is significantly decreased.

2.  Accountability that you will listen to.

We know that pornography addiction, affairs and finding a vice are growing at staggering rates for those in ministry.  My belief is because we find no healthy outlet,  forget who Christ is in our lives,  and become isolated.   Find accountability partners that you can be honest with and talk to.  Find someone who does what you do in another ministry.  Find people who get you.  This may take some work to find this one or two people,  but find them.  Then listen to their advice.  If they tell you to take a day off then do it.   Truth only sounds trite because it is simple. Make a friend.  Make the effort.

3.  Create boundaries.

The hardest thing for me was to actually start shutting my phone off.  When I can’t,  on those days that it should be off,  but I know I will check it,  I hand it off to someone else to hold.  I get it away from myself.   I make my husband put a vacation, days off and weekends with just the two of us on the calendar.  These are purposeful. I turned 40 a couple of weeks ago.  My hubby asked what I wanted.  “A week away with you, “ was my answer.  We go away in two weeks.  It will be close to home.  It won’t be extravagant.  It will be 5 glorious days of just he and I.  He knew this was so important that he asked all of my friends to chip in for the cause.  I can’t wait! If people stomp on the lines you draw,  learn to say no.  It was my hardest lesson,  and the most beneficial.  Take time for you with God,  for friends,  and for family.

4.  Remember the ways you love to connect with Jesus and be intentional.

I connect with Jesus through music.  Yesterday,  I sat and did something I hadn’t done in a long while.  I sat on my couch.  I put in my headphones.  I closed my eyes.  I sang along.  I love that.  It refreshes me.  When I sit outside and just am a part of God’s creation I am reminded of his power and magnificence.  Sometimes I stop and take in the thunder storm and look at the sky.  Other times I sit at the beach and just stare into the water.  I look to these times.  My love affair with my Savior must last a lifetime.  What do you do that reminds you, you are connected to the Lord?

 5.  Do something you like to do- but don’t have to do.

I adore being active. Living where we do,  snorkeling is a favorite pass time.  As often as I can I get to the beach and get on my mask.  Do you play the guitar, but it has sat in the corner for a month?  Pick it up.  I write.  Almost daily.  No one expects it.  I just like it.  What do you like to do?  Talk?  Drink coffee?  Shop?  Water ski?  Sometimes we might need to be creative in time and energy to make it happen.   Make it happen.

Most of all I want you to know:  You are not alone.  I have been there.  Others have too.  Lay down the guilt and ask for help.

The fight to “Go! GO! GO!”  never ceases. Yesterday, I went for a hair cut.  I didn’t want to take the time.  I like my hairdresser and an hour of stupid small talk was actually good for me.  This rainy Saturday we spent the day lazing around the house. John and I laid around and laughed and did a whole lot of nothing.  This week I have felt compelled to get things done.  The old demons of running have been nipping at my heels.  I have had to beat them off with a stick.   Somedays are still like that…  For all of us.

Bottom line is simple but not easy. Make the choice for change.  If you need someone to talk to today- reach out.  I am here.  In addition check out Simply Soul Care.  This article- you and me.  It’s the reason it is exists.

This is part-one of a two-part series on youth ministry burnout. 

I could not believe that this ministry veteran was telling my story.  Years of serving  and then one day the weight crushed him. Us “Type A,” personalities are wound tight. On a good day. We are workaholics, especially when it is something that we really believe in. Our minds are always racing.  We never “shut off.”   We are moving and moving and if you aren’t coming with us then well,  get out-of-the-way. We don’t thrive at “days off.”  Vacations can be a hard sell.   We eat too much or live off of an IV of coffee.  Actually, we feel guilty when we do things for “ourselves.”  (I recently used a gift certificate I received for a facial… a year and a half a go).  It feels like when I do “take time” things just blow up anyway.

Eventually we run ourselves into the ground.  I have sat in my bed sick with pneumonia and continued on getting done what needs to be done.

This can resonate with those outside of ministry.  Add the fact that we are “doing it all for Jesus,”  and we are compelled to do it all for his glory.   After all aren’t we told that we must “finish the race well.” We are pressing into that heavenly prize.  We want to be told that we were “good and faithful servants,” on that day when we stand before our Lord face to face.  Therefore,  why on earth would we want to stop at all?

Friends and family tell you that you out to slow down.  They can see the stress building.  They are worried about you.  What can you do?  When they tell you to “make a change” it is simply not helpful.  Look at our personality test.  This is in our DNA.  Pioneers who have to chop through the wilderness can’t stop.

Yes there were moments of reprieve.  My husband reminded me that he and the kids were getting lost in the shuffle of my ministry OCD.  I listened.  Then I would change for a little while. I would say,  “It’s not what I do,  it’s who I do it for.”  Yet, my personality would rise again.  The cycle would begin again,  only worse.  In my guilt I was now juggling everything while refusing to let anything to drop,  except myself.   I made sure my children had time.  My husband had time. I would read my Bible daily out of obligation.  Anyone who called,  I answered.   I was the person who always showed up.  Always took care of everyone and everything.  All the time.

Then one day we wake up, sick, (really can’t get out of bed sick). We think we are dying.  I know it happened to me.  It started with an inability to focus.   My chest was tight and I couldn’t breath.  For a week I had a tingling in my hands and feet. My legs would go numb. I couldn’t drive or think straight.  Others I know suffered from extreme insomnia.  One friend had partial temporary paralysis in his face.  It feels like the flu or cancer or something major.

We go to the doctor.  The tests find something minor, maybe anemia.  They test and test. Finally the diagnosis.  Depression.  Panic Attacks. As the veteran told the story of his bodily shut down,  I thought I was the only one.  This is different from an actual stand alone ailment.  The impetus for this is an emotional break

Burnout is what we would call it.  One youth pastor told me,  ”I never thought that I could get burnt out doing what I love for whom I love.” We feel like there is no one to tell.  Conjuring up in our mind that our friends and family will laugh and mock,  ”I told you so.”   Those we minister to want more of our time not less.  We don’t know how to fix this.  We have no idea how to slow down. Honestly,  if someone takes a responsibility away we simply create a new one for ourselves.

There was my former pastor who told me if I just understood that the Sabbath wasn’t a day off it was a lifestyle I would be fine.  ”Jesus never took a day off,  he simply stole away for a moment,”  was what he said.  So I would take the time and  sit with God.  While my mind raced with all that there was to do.  Honestly,  the “moments”  just got lumped into the “to do” list as well.

According to an Aug1, 2010 article in the New York Times:

“Members of the clergy now suffer from obesity, hypertension and depression at rates higher than most Americans. In the last decade, their use of antidepressants has risen, while their life expectancy has fallen. Many would change jobs if they could.”

Burnout statistics  for those in ministry show: 

• 40% of those in ministry and 47% of spouses are suffering from burnout, frantic schedules, and/or unrealistic expectations.
• My husband gets at least one phone call from the ministry on his “day off.”  This past week we were on vacation during which he received both phone calls and texts the whole week.  We often fall into bed at night after having juggled all there is to do.
•  45% of pastors say that they’ve experienced depression or burnout to the extent that they needed to take a leave of absence from ministry.
• I spoke with two different youth pastors from two different areas of the country yesterday who both took a year off.
•  70% don’t have any close friends.
•  All of my closest friends live hundreds of miles away,  as do my husband’s friends.  We speak by phone maybe once a month and email every so often and mostly text.   We sit at home with no energy to make new friends or be the ones who pursue friendship.   Our greatest complaint in ministry is usually loneliness.
• 90% feel unqualified or poorly prepared for ministry. According to studies it is one of the top 3 reasons people leave ministry.
• 94% feel under pressure to have a perfect family.
• One of the reasons that close friends are so hard,  is the pressure to be perfect.  People seem to get near and say things like,  ”Why is your youngest so strong-willed,  you are supposed to be an example.”
•  90% work more than 50 hours a week. (I would say most of us feel like we are always working).
•  1,500 pastors leave their ministries each month due to burnout, conflict, or moral failure.
•  The average tenure for a youth pastor is about 18 months.

As I sit here I want to keep telling you the stories.  I want you to know as you feel like this that you are not alone.  Those days when you just can’t “get happy,” others of us have been there too.  This is my story.  I don’t know how to get off the crazy roller coaster.  I know I have to,  but when I am at my lowest is when I am least able to listen to advice.   Tell me do you ever struggle with burn out too?

Today I wanted you to chew on how you really feel.  Take 3 minutes today and be honest with the Lord.  Are you tired?  Are you worn out?  Go to God and “be still,” for just a second.

Tomorrow we will tackle a solution.

Leneita 

1) Survey Your Students and Leaders: Don’t assume you know what worked for your ministry in the last school year, ask your students (and your leaders). I will actually be using a Sunday morning program to survey our students and celebrate the last year. Our survey is pretty detailed, (I’ll post it soon), and gives students a good chance for students to provide us specific feedback. We use this survey as a way to design upcoming Fall and Winter programs and events. Before the summer truly hits, it’s good to reflect and digest on where you have been. I will be sitting down with some of my core leaders to review the school year and plan the Fall.

2) Head For A End Of School Year Event: We always close out our school year with a big event that is promoted heavily and incorporates celebration and fun. It also acts as a beginning of summer event in some ways too. It’s good to have defining events like this that signify a change in schedule or programming. 

3) Promote The Summer Now: If you haven’t planned your summer AND begun to promote some of your summer program, now is the time to begin… Parents especially are already looking at what camps and activities to involve their students in. Your events and programs will get a back seat in the family schedule if you don’t promote now. It’s also helpful to get students sold on the summer schedule now. For us, we shut down our midweek program for the summer but add in other programs and events. For some students this can feel like a loss of sorts. However, if we start promoting the summer now, by the time the change actually comes, it is easier to accept.

4) Honor Your Graduates: Whether it’s honoring grads in your regular services or at your youth ministry programs, it’s essential that we celebrate our grads! Do you have a date on the calendar yet? We pick the same date every year as it works for us. It’s the Sunday before Memorial Day. Even though we honor them a few weeks before they graduate, we have found that we can get them and their family there before the open house season goes crazy. It also allows us to promote our college / career program and get them thinking about plugging in over the Summer before many of them head of to college in the Fall.

5) Honor Your Leaders: My leaders have been phenomenal in this last year! We have a leaders end of year BBQ on the schedule where I get to thank them and also ‘fire’ them. (I stole this idea from Doug Fields years ago. The premise is to ‘fire’ leaders on a yearly basis and allow them to walk away from youth ministry if they feel they need to. I would rather have deeply committed leaders rather than leaders who come back out of obligation or guilt).

What would you add to this list? What ideas can I steal from you? How are you finishing up your school year well? 

Phil <><

Bottom Line: Do you know where you are going in ministry? Have you stopped to ask?

Praying through and developing a personal ministry plan is crucial for you, your family, your students, your church, and ultimately your usefulness in God’s Kingdom. Here’s what’s crucial about seeking God for your personal ministry plan: 

• It will help us to depend on God and not ourselves for our next steps.
• As we pray, it softens our hearts to greater options and ideas that we might not have considered on our own.
• It forces us to look at our gifting and begin to develop those gifts further as we minister in our present setting.
• It allows to gain confidence and affirmation from our family and friends when we engage them in the brainstorming process.
• It helps our family to look ahead and be prepared for possible change.
• It allows our students to see someone who is seeking God and never being content in status quo
• It gives our churches the opportunity to support and encourage our future in a healthy way. (This is the way it should be).
• By looking ahead it allows us to consider what steps we need to take today to ensure we leave a healthy ministry in the future.

3) Expect That God Wants To Keep Using You Where You Are: This is probably the most important point to make. When you started reading this post, chances are that you began to dream about the next steps in another church or another position. Am I right?

I believe God has a heart for longevity for youth workers in their churches

When praying through and developing a personal ministry plan for you and your family, keep in mind what it looks like to stay at your present church for the long-haul. Your next steps could then include personal development, new programs, new networks, a degree, publishing a book, who knows?

Bottom line: Your next steps might be WITHIN your present ministry position and not AWAY from it…

So, what it is your personal ministry plan? Do you have one? Have you prayed about one? Have you sought others to help you formulate one? Are you truly effective where you are, or are fumbling around in the dark and simply going through the motions? Praying through and developing a personal ministry plan is crucial for you, your family, your students, your church, and ultimately your usefulness in God’s Kingdom.

The previous two posts were pretty in depth and full of information, but today I want to be brief with this idea:

An effective youth worker is constantly planning ahead at least one season.

In terms of events, calendar and programs, it is imperative that we are working at least 2-3 months ahead of where we are. For me, I call it a season. As I write this post, my whole summer calendar is published even though here in Michigan we are barely touching the Spring. It’s so important that we work 2-3 months ahead for a number of reasons:

1) Parents Need The Information: If we want parents to support our ministries we should be getting dates to them at least 2-3 months ahead. For missions trips, however, most parents will thank you if you give them the date 6-9 months out.

2) Volunteers Can Plan Better: If you want volunteers at special events and retreats, they need to book time off and make your program a priority. If you are working a month out, don’t expect to get any support.

3) Your Church Staff Will Thank You: By planning a season ahead, you will avoid many of the typical church calendar clashes that often occur when we add dates to the calendar at last minute.

4) You Can Plan Better: Once you get into the mode of working a season ahead of where you are, you can give events and programs more time for creativity and implementation of good ideas.

Working last minute will often result in last ditch efforts.

I also find that I have time to percolate on ideas, messages, and events over a couple months. By the time I get to that season, some of my ideas have grown into the unimaginable.

How are you planning ahead? Are you barely making it? What ideas, events, or messages could benefit from seasonal planning?

Phil <><

Today, we’re going to take a look at what we should consider when creating a long-term teaching plan.

1) Consider Your Audience: Depending on whether your students are seekers, strugglers, or sold-out in their faith, will depend on what you plan to teach. It’s good to have different times or programs to focus on these types of students.

For example, our midweek outreach program is aimed at seekers and strugglers. Therefore, we are intentional about hitting topics and issues that are palatable for every kind of student, whether churched or unchurched. Here we address issues like: Dealing with fears, conflict, regret, relationships, making decisions, identity, self-image, life purpose, etc etc. You get the idea.

In contrast, our Sunday discipleship program is focused on struggling and sold-out students, (usually churched), where we teach deeper areas such theology, apologetics, spiritual habits, evangelism, etc etc.

Bottom line: Your audience will determine your content. 

2) Ask Your Students What They Need: This is particularly helpful when teaching many of the felt need topics. Subjects like relationships are always going to be at the top of the list, but you will also glean much about what your students need by asking them. This might seem too simple, but so many of us negate to ask students.

One BIG way to ask students is to do a yearly survey asking them what areas of their lives they need help with. We do a survey like this every May and it allows us to develop some specific message series for the Fall and Winter months. For outreach and large group programs you will discover that you will ‘hit’ many of the same felt needs areas year after year. This is not a bad thing since our students are constantly battling through the same challenges year after year.

Bottom line: Don’t guess what students need, ask them!

3) Work With A Team To Create A Plan: I try to surround myself with sharp youth leaders who are as passionate about students. When I pray through a plan of teaching I also ask some of my key leaders to pray and consider the plan too. I often find that they will give me ideas and thoughts I had not considered.

Bottom line: Make sure you are not planning in a vacuum… Suck others into the plan.

4) Create A Long-Term Plan That Incorporates The ‘Essentials’: This is very important when creating a discipleship plan. Our high school program has a 4 year discipleship plan that has been created and tweaked over the last couple of years. Myself and a small team of volunteers have developed a plan that looks to ensure that by the time students graduate from our ministry, they have walked through the ‘essentials.’ By ‘essentials’ we mean: What is it that students absolutely must own in their faith walk by the time they graduate from high school?

But, if you are like me, you might ask, “but where do we start with this? What should be the essentials that students need to know and own?”

Great question… keep reading…

For us, we use LIVE curriculum from Group Publishing that incorporates a well thought-out discipleship plan that builds each year. Since LIVE provides 36 weeks for a year, we have added some additional components that we feel we need to add into our plan for the rest of the year. Here are some of the our own ‘essentials’ that supplement or duplicate in the LIVE curriculum:

• Spiritual habits
• Serving
• Sexuality
• Apologetics
• Faith foundations / Christian basics
• Leadership

Keep in mind that what I consider an essential element might not be essential for your students in your ministry. When using curriculum and developing a plan, do not feel bad if you do not choose to use all of the curriculum. YOU know what your students need the most, be confident in your teaching plan.

5) Create A Plan And Stick To It: It’s easy to get swayed by the latest issues or happenings in student culture and therefore continuously keeping changing our plans. Over time, this can mean that we end up ‘fire fighting’ the issues, rather than ‘fire preventing’ what students are most certainly going to face in their faith walk. At some point we need to be confident that over time, our teaching plan will create a solid foundation for faith development in our students lives. With all this said, there will be times when we must adjust our plan and hit certain issues or areas that students are walking through.

Finally, a solid teaching plan can take time to develop and it’s important that you allow time for the essentials to percolate through…

Well, there’s a start for you. I wish I could cover everything! What would you add to this list? What questions do you still have? Feel free to comment!

Phil <><

Despite the cold weather, it’s a great week for me to spend more time investing in planning while many of my students and leaders are out-of-town. Although the idea of planning can be highly offensive to many youth workers, I believe it is an imperative part to what we must do to have an effective ministry and to pursue longevity in our churches. When considering plans, here are 4 types of plans I believe every youth worker must be praying through and working on:

1) Strategic plan.  2) Teaching plan: 3) Seasonal plan: 4) Personal plan

Strategic Plan: For me, when I arrived at my current church, I prayed about and created a 3 year plan that seeks to build year after year. This plan has been adjusted a couple of times, but there has always been a plan written down. It does not have to be detailed, but must give you a big idea of what you are looking to achieve by the end of each year.

As you look at my plans below, you will see they are pretty basic and a broad brush stroke for each year. I did not look to move mountains, I simply tried to create a plan that would help to build trust, build success, and build momentum. It’s important to realize you can’t change the world at once!

As a younger youth worker I tried to change everything at once and didn’t understand the value of patience and building things slowly. I know there’s a lot of pressure to come in and change the world, but “too fast too soon” doesn’t usually last for the long-term. It’s important that a strategic plan takes time to build a solid foundation that will last for the long haul.

Here’s a snapshot of my 3 year plan I have been praying and working through: 

Year 1: Develop Relationships: Develop relationships with students, parents and youth leaders. Commit to listening first! Do not implement major changes. Listen to the people, review the programs, understand the culture. It’s imperative we listen and learn first so that we can build trust and earn the right to make changes…

Year 2: Tweak Programs: Continue to develop relationships with students, parents and youth leaders. Review the last year with students and leaders and THEN implement adjustments to existing programs and events. Create a teaching plan for the next 4 years and create a ‘big win’ event or trip that will rally people behind a cause or core purpose. (For us, this ended up being a huge mission trip that year).

Year 3: Bring Change: Implement foundational changes in order to create a sustainable youth ministry that is balanced with outreach, connection, growth, and serving. For us, we are planning some important changes to our discipleship program. Although what we are currently doing has had some good success, it is lacking in many ways. I am working with a core team of my youth leaders to create a new approach and delivery of discipleship material. Note that I am working with a team of volunteers and not in my own youth ministry vacuum. Big changes need buy-in. Buy-in occurs when we involve the right people in the process.

Coming in the next few days: 2) Teaching plan: 3) Seasonal plan: 4) Personal plan

What would you add to your strategic plan? What phase are you in your current ministry? What do you need to do more or less of? Have you built trust before you change things? Are people on board with you plans? How much have you prayed about your plans?

What questions can I answer for you? I would love to think this through with you!

Phil <><

With a greater access conferences, books, and resources, (and so much information to digest), it can be easy to stop thinking and praying through what works best within our own ministry contexts.

Before we begin to implement the newest idea or the ministry philosophy that  has worked somewhere else, it’s imperative that we take important steps to ensure that new ideas and philosophies will actually work in our ministry contexts. In my last three positions, I have found that no ‘one size fits all’ approach works. In fact, I have had three different approaches for the last three churches…

Here’s what does work however:

1) Seek God’s guidance for your specific ministry. (Do we really spend days and weeks seeking God when it comes to implementing ideas and programs)?

2) Spend your first year listening and understanding the people, the community, and the church. (Just because we are the paid person with the expertise does not mean that God does not want to speak through the people). 

3) Involve students, leaders, and parents in the idea and implementation phase, don’t create a leadership vacuum. (Involvement = ownership. The best ideas are always owned by the people)

4) Consider YOUR context. (I know this should be a given, but so often we seem to take an ‘experts’ viewpoint and not consider if they understand our context).

5) Consider THEIR context. When you read a book or a blog, or listen to a speaker, try your best to understand their context. (This will help you grasp whether or not it’s viable in your ministry context).

I know this might seem like leadership 101, but I can’t tell you how many times I have seen friends in ministry get burned by poor ideas that were always doomed to fail. I have made the same mistake too! What works in one context does not always transfer to our ministry.

As you learn new ministry ideas and philosophies, make sure you take time to look through the lens of your context before you begin to implement…

Phil <><

Are You Static, Five Bars, or a Dropped Call?

Doesn’t matter who the carrier is, a dropped call or a call full of static and robot voices is annoying.  The message is muddied, if it’s received at all – and it’s frustrating to have to start over not knowing where the call was dropped or when the conversation went south.

Sometimes (unwittingly, I’m sure), youth pastors become static on the line of communication between parents and teenagers.  Tragically, they can even become the dropped call.  A running theme in our podcast for parents of teenagers centers on keeping the lines of communication open between them and their student.  Youth workers can be a crystal clear call – or one of those calls where you want to slam your phone into the nearest wood chipper.  Who are you?

DROPPED CALL:  You stealthily place yourself between students and their parents.  You see yourself as the answer to students’ problems.  You see all the deficiencies parents are bringing to the table and you are there to be the stand-in dad or spot-on mom.  You never encourage kids to open up to their folks because you know mom and dad will screw it up, given half a chance.  You position yourself AND your youth ministry to be a safe haven away from parents – a place where kids can talk openly to someone in place of their parents – you position yourself to ‘drop the call’.

STATIC:  The problems in this call are less overt.  Maybe you don’t seize opportunities to turn the hearts of kids toward their parents by mentioning parents much.  When kids are complaining, in an attempt to sympathize, maybe you justify a student’s frustrations.  You may miss most opportunities to resource parents on how to better communicate with their teens.  Communication is happening – but it’s so garbled with static, the message is lost.

FIVE BARS:  Champion parents at every turn.  Find the best in them, even when it’s hard.  Help students look through parent-colored glasses when they’re frustrated.  Be a parental partner, not replacement.  Resource mom and dad with great material on being a parent and spiritual mentor to their kids.  Listen to their hurts, pains, joys, and frustrations with as much intent and empathy as you do when you listen to student angst.  Five bars – message received loud and clear.

The truth is – in each if these scenarios – the message sent to parents is LOUD and CLEAR!!  What message are you sending?